The Baby I Would Never See

baby-in-wombI turned 16 just two months before I became pregnant in 1976. Getting pregnant was not in the cards and I was scared and embarrassed to tell anyone. Especially since I had a boyfriend, and he was not the father of my baby. I kept it a secret from everyone but two people for nearly four months. I got pregnant from being raped by a friend of my male cousin after a party at my house. I met him that night, and he lived in another state. I would never see him again after the night.  He forced himself on me while I was passed out from the alcohol he and my cousin gave me. I think, had I heard from him, I might have kept my baby. I remember fantasizing about being a mom and him being my husband as we raised our baby together. Sad thinking on my part since this person had just raped me.

I hadn’t even considered abortion until I was forced by my stepmom to go to the doctor. That is where I was told about abortion. I don’t remember even being asked about adoption or any other options. I had in my mind before that day that I would have the baby somewhere no one knew me and give it up for adoption. I was deathly afraid to tell my father, and when I did, he said I wasn’t going to be like my older sister and brother who had both married young because of pregnancy. My brother had a daughter when he was 17, and three children by the time he was 18 (twins), and my sister of 19 also got pregnant and had to get married. My father could be verbally and mentally abusive, and I was very afraid of him. I had lived with him less than a year at the time (I lived with my Mother until then; they divorced when I was three), and didn’t know what he would do if I ever stood up to him, so I went along with the abortion idea. I know now it was my decision, but for years I blamed my dad and my stepmom. It was an easy solution for everyone involved—except for my baby of course. No thought was given to him or her.

Dona ora. Grazie!

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I had no counseling, and no discussion of keeping the baby was ever brought up.

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I became pregnant in early August of 1976, and no one knew until that doctor appointment late in December. I was over 20 weeks along. I allowed my baby to be murdered by a saline solution injection into my belly button in the late afternoon on December 27th, in another state, in the basement of a hospital, in Spokane, Washington, with my stepmother by my side. I went into labor later that evening after she took me to an ice skating show, making everything seem so normal. I delivered my dead baby (at least I think it died) early in the morning after hours of hard labor. I never looked at it and didn’t know if my baby had been a baby boy or a girl. The nurse I had made me feel horrible, as if I were a murderer, which I was. I separated myself from the thought of it ever being a real baby. That was too painful. For many, many years that would be too painful for me to relive, but I know I did secretly in my head every single day.

I went into a depression shortly after I graduated from high school. I then dropped out of college, and I moved away back home to my mother’s house and got married a year later. She, by the way, never knew about my abortion until about five years ago, when I had the courage to tell her. I subsequently gave birth to two daughters and, after the first born, I started realizing what I had done in regards to the abortion, and I became more depressed, with thoughts of suicide after my divorce. I went through years of depression, lost relationships, divorce, and heartbreak, thinking about the baby I would never see.

I became christian at the age of 27, but never realized I was truly forgiven by Christ until about 10 years ago. I also was able to tell my story to my Group in Church, I was in a few years ago. I stood up in front of a group of people from my church and read my story with lots of tears and hugs afterwards. I am now an advocate for the Pro-life movement and am able to post about it on social media, and talk to my friends and family about what happened to me without shame, only because of Jesus and what He did on the cross for me. I will do everything I can to stop abortion, AND I WLL BE SILENT NO MORE!


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